Nice Jewelry And A Boy's Corpse

Oh, You're So Pretty

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I'm also a unicorn. Maybe a bicorn.
lacey
livelikejack
Glee 302: I Am Unicorn



Unicorns? I love unicorns! They’re so much more fun than their cousins, the narwhals. Don’t tell the narwhals I said that. And I only say that because riding a narwhal requires an oxygen tank and resistance to water pressure, whereas riding a unicorn merely requires pure intentions. Anyway, on with the show.





So Brittany wants to run Kurt’s campaign for president.

Because she thinks Kurt is the coolest unicorn.

Err…what.



Brittany: “A unicorn is somebody who knows they’re special and isn’t afraid to show it.”



Kurt: “Why don’t you just run?”

Brittany: “I’m not smart enough.”

Aww, Brit-Brit.

But let’s hear about some Glee Club news!



Ohoho, so Vocal Adrenaline came in second last year! Ooooooooh!



Mr. Schue: “They fired Dustin Goulsby-”

Artie: “Still handsome.”

He speaketh the truth.



Mr. Schue mandates Booty Camp for the folks who need help.



Like Kurt.

Mike: “You kinda have one move, Kurt. It’s like, this, sashay. And it’s super distracting.”



Schue also recruits Beiste and Emma to help him with the West Side Story musical.

Beiste: “I was in A Funny Thing Happened On The Way To The Forum. I played the forum.”



Aww, and Schue appoints Artie as student director or something! That’s actually really sweet!

I also liked that Tina was the one to encourage Artie to go for it, and hint back at his Dream from way back in Season 1.

Aw man, now I’m thinking of “Safety Dance” and how that was such a great number. Dammit!



And Idina Menzel is back!

Oi, where’s baby Beth? How’s she doing?

Well, anyway, Shelby’s a newly hired teacher to run a second show choir for Self-Diagnosed Asperger’s Chick.

Meanwhile, Sue checks in on the one girl in McKinley High she has a secretly soft spot for yet will never actually admit loud.



Sue: “First, smoking kills. Second, it really does make you look cooler, doesn’t it?”



And Sue recruits Quinn to help her for her campaign.

Quinn: “I need thrift store couches under the bleachers. I’ve realized that after smoking all day it hurts to stand.”



Back to Brittany and Kurt’s Unicorn Campaign!

Good god, those posters are horrifying.



Brittany: “We’re going to call it Kurt Hummel’s Bulging Pink Funsack.”

I'm.....just gonna leave that there.



Kurt: “It’s a tad too…”

Brittany: “Unicorn?”

Kurt: “Gay.”

I see that Glee is trying to rein in Kurt as the Gay Who Could Do No Wrong.



Kurt wants to tone down the posters. Sad unicorn is sad.



Kurt, you should keep the slogan but replace your face with Charlie Sheen’s. That’d definitely get you votes.



So Shelby is meeting up with Quinn and Puck.



Shelby: “I want you to get to know Beth. I want you to be a part of her life.”



And Quinn storms out in a rage and stuff, and Puck and Shelby share a tense heart-to-heart.

Does this mean Puck still cares about Quinn? Not gonna lie, Puck/Quinn is one of the few ships I will happily go down with, even if it never comes back.

Kind of the only ship, actually.

But who cares about emotions, it’s time for Booty Camp!



Gratuitous slow-mo shots of Harry Shum and his ripped muscles in motion!



…And Matthew Morrison. No me gusta.

HOLD THE PHONE, MATTY, IS THAT A TRAMP STAMP I SEE???



I do love to see Mike in his element and in charge!



Puck: “I – am – in – HELL!”

Well, at least the boy knows how to keep time.

And really, after Harry Shum and probably Darren Criss, Mark Salling is the next best boy dancer they have. He’s really not bad at all.



LOL for pretending Darren Criss is a year younger than Chris Colfer!



AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

This is Superman + Glasses = Clark Kent levels of suspension of disbelief right here. Mark Salling Is Underage levels, man.



Oh right, and Blaine is also auditioning for the role of Tony.

DRAMA!



Meanwhile, Shelby barges in on Rachel at her own private practice with the entire Glee band and suggests which song she should use at her audition.



And then barges in on Rachel actually singing the song.

Fine, duet, whatever.



Dammit, Rachel, stop crying when you sing! I’ll give you this song since you’re singing a song with your birth mother that works both for your audition and also as a representation of your relationship with said birth mother, but after that, NO MORE.



See, when you do the crying thing, you pull these unattractive faces that aren’t so bad on stage, but look pretty awful on screen. I couldn’t get a screencap of you where your whole face wasn’t pulling down.



BUT HEY BRAD GOT A HAIRCUT. LOOK AT THAT.

It’s growing on me. Not literally. I liked the shaggy dog look he rocked before. But this cleaner cut could work too, I guess.



Anyway, let’s check in on Quinn with Sue’s anti-arts campaign!



That’s a pretty epic pipe.



So Quinn and the camera head off to Schue’s office, where she goes on about never going back to Glee Club, blah blah blah…



And Schue up and yells at her!

Whaaaaaaaaaat

No, seriously. What?

Quinn is clearly hurting right now. Shouldn’t he be trying to, like, help her in a gentle way rather than yell at her and push her away?

Yes, Quinn needs something to shake her out of her downward spiral. But I don’t think a teacher/former mentor screaming in her face is the way to do it.



But anyway, Puck comes by to visit Shelby and Beth!

Shelby: “How do you know where I live?”

Puck: “Um, I have friends in…law enforcement.”

And he wants to be part of Beth’s life! He’s turning himself around!



Puck: “I even did some homework. Turns out Napoleon? Not just a dessert! He’s a real dude!”



I love how Mark Salling lets his face absolutely melt when he sees baby Beth.



Puck drew Beth a clown-pig, and Beth gives it the one-eyebrow mm-hmm look. JUST LIKE QUINN.



Puuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck

(Seriously, though, da fuck kind of drawing is that)

But whatever, time for Kurt’s West Side Story audition!



Artie: “[Coach Beiste] is like my own private Jim Henson.”



…And to audition for the male lead, Kurt chooses to sing a song by Barbara Streisand? Who is, in fact, female?

And here I thought it was ridiculous when Mr. Schue and Bryan Ryan auditioned for Jean Valjean by singing Aerosmith last season.



Don’t get me wrong, this was a great solo and demonstrated how far Chris Colfer has come in terms of vocal skill and physical strength. But it was so far from what Kurt needed to do for the audition that I found myself more interested in the progress of Cute&Happy Bass Player and ‘Dorable Little Drummer Boy’s relationship.



I’m guessing that Cute&Happy Bass Player is utterly devoted to him, but ‘Dorable Little Drummer Boy is still harboring insecurities about his skills ever since Finn took over his drums for the majority of last episode.

Yeah, whatever, I make up stories for these two. Deal with it.



Yes, Kurt, sing into that falsetto whilst spinning sai. That’ll really convince them that you can play Tony.

(Oh hay I think that’s Mark Cohen Clone back there on the extra percussion.)



Meanwhile, Puck has a confrontation with Quinn in the girls’ bathroom about cleaning up her act for Beth’s sake.



Puck: “I don’t care about you. I care about her.”

Still going down with the ship.

But anyway, I like Protective Papa Puck. I expect to see lots of relapses as he struggles to maintain that new level of maturity, but I’m glad to see it happen rather than keep him spinning around in delinquency.



Kurt listens in on the musical directors discussing casting choices for the leads!



Beiste: “[Rachel]’s Jewish, but I think that helps with the whole Puerto Rican thing.”



So the directors are worried about Kurt’s ability to be masculine enough for Tony. Which is a damn valid concern. A good actor can convincingly play whatever role he is given. No matter what.



So Kurt’s all bummery over that, and then he sees the fruitiest posters ever going up around the hallways with his face on them.



Brittany: “The poster that you wanted gave me crippling depression.”



Santana: “This [poster] is toned down. In the original, the unicorn was riding you.”

In Soviet Russia…never mind.



Brittany: “I failed my precious unicorn.”

Aww, Brit-Brit! Quick, Santana, cheer her up!



Santana: “You’re a genius, Brittany. You are the unicorn.”



So Kurt recruits Rachel to help him with a supplementary audition.



From Romeo and Juliet. In full costume.



No one can stop giggling.



Not even Rachel.

Aww, Kurt. But yeah, that was ridiculous. Also not a good way of demonstrating that you can play Tony.



So Shelby is continuing with her Glee Club comprised entirely of Self-Diagnosed Asperger’s Chick.



Still terrible. Okay.



And then Quinn walks in to have a dramatic little scene with Shelby.



Shelby won’t let Quinn see Beth yet – which, good! Because girlfriend is a hot mess – but she shows Quinn a picture of Puck holding Beth.



Awwwww Puuuuuuuuuck! He looks so happy!!!!!!!!

Quinnie! Pull yourself together! Leap off the emotional rollercoaster! I know you can do it, even if the writers keep writing you back onto it!



Rachel helps Finn out at Burt’s mechanic shop.



Finn’s had such a backseat role these past two episodes. I think this is the first time he’s had a one-on-one scene this entire season. Hell, Mike Chang had more of a feature than him up until now.

It’s a shame because Cory Monteith is a great actor. But Finn got turned into such an unlikable mess last season maybe they’re trying to wean the character off of all that.



I like these two as a couple when they are calm and stable and happy. Drama-free.



Anyway, Kurt is mopey.

Kurt, if you’d sung a more masculine song at your audition we wouldn’t be in this boat. Good grief.



Burt: “You sing like Diana Ross, and you dress like you own a magic chocolate factory.”



Kurt: “If I want to be an actor I have to pass as straight to get the great romantic roles. And I want those roles. Every actor does.”

Hey, Kurt. I’ve got an idea. Why don’t you, y’know, act well? In your audition, pull off whatever character you need to pull off, gay, straight, bi, trans, queer, elephant, whatever! Be an actor and all.

Oh, and by proving your mettle, use appropriate audition material. Like, sing a male tenor’s song for a male tenor part, not a female alto’s song for a male tenor part. Little things like that. Call me crazy, but I think it might help some.

But anyway, Burt has nuggets of wisdom as usual.



Burt: “You know what they call a unicorn without a horn? A freaking horse.”



LMAO, all these dramatic slow-mo dance motions with Harry and Matt are hi-larious.



Ooh child, straighten that leg Matt!



And that is a terrible extension Harry!



Also, it’s great and all that, that little combination they taught Finn and them. But possibly shouldn’t they be focusing a little less on throwing double pirouettes around and a little more on simple, basic technique?

An ensemble doing a well-executed single pirouette looks a hell of a lot nicer than an ensemble doing shitty individual variations of what’s supposed to be a double.

To be fair, Harry and Matt were pretty perfectly in synch throughout the spin. But the rest of the club ain’t Harry and Matt.

Oh, and Finn did decent and all. Yay for Finn.



But anyway, Quinn’s dyed her hair back to blonde and redonned her dress and asks to join Booty Camp.

Wait, joining Booty Camp in a dress? Okay, okay, whatever.



I did like that Mercedes gave Quinn a hug first, though. Can we bring their friendship back, please? Don’t make me bring up the delivery room again.

Also, I dislike that they made it seem like Quinn & Mercedes’ friendship vanishing was all on Quinn and not just terribly shitty writing. Don’t blame your fuck-ups on the characters, old writers. I say old not because of their ages (which I don’t actually know anyway), but because there is now fresh blood in the pool and all.



Ohhhh, so Quinn is doing all this to get full custody of Beth with Puck.

Uhhhhh.

Can she do that? Isn’t Beth lawfully Shelby’s child? And isn’t Shelby still vastly more qualified to be a full-time parent than two teenagers fresh out of high school? Y’know, possessing, like, a college degree and a full-time job and all?

That’s it, then. The writers will never allow Quinn to ever be a sane character. She’s doomed to be the pretty girl off doing crazy irrational shit with crazy irrational shit happening to her.



Schue: “Do you eat a whole chicken every day?”

Beiste: “I eat a whole chicken at every meal.”

Anyway, so Sue gloats about the campaign or something and the other teachers decide to campaign against her with the anti-Sue, or something. I dunno, I wasn’t really paying much attention because Sue’s repetitive anti-Glee brigades have actually begun to bore me to tears. Tears because I love Jane Lynch and they’re just giving her the same old tracks to tread through over and over.



So Kurt embraces his unicorn self, and Brittany decides to campaign for President herself. Go Brittany! I would seriously love to see her as President.



Brittany: “The last 16 class presidents have all been guys, and look where that’s got us. Teetering in a double-dip recession.”



Brittany: “I’m also a unicorn. Maybe a bicorn.”



And finally, Blaine’s audition!



Is he gonna roll his pants up to flooding level in every single outfit?

Well, then, I’m just going to go ahead and preemptively make fun of all the faces he pulls in his performance. Just like the good ol' days with Blayonce and the Warblers.



USE THE FORCE, LUKE



GROOVY MUTATION?



GUYS I REALLY NEED TO PEE



NEVERMIND, I JUST WENT ON THE FLOOR



AND I DROPPED BOTH OF MY ICE CREAM CONES!



Oh, Kevin.



WAIT, YOU FORGOT YOUR SWORD!

YOUR SAI SWORD, THAT IS!



Meanwhile, the Rhythm Couple (shorter than typing out Cute&Happy Bass Player and ‘Dorable Little Drummer boy, also it is my headcanon that they are in a loving relationship and no one can change my mind! Probably because no one else is thinking about this) are like, “Is this bro seriously darting through the orchestra? SRSLY, BRO?”

And Blaine’s like, “DUCK DUCK DUCK DUCK DUCK DUCK DUCK-



“-COURAGE!!!!”



I gave them a West Side Story audition. Bitches love West Side Story auditions.



So, I would say that Chris Colfer has more vocal control, but Darren Criss is more suitable for Tony on both a vocal and character level.

What can I say? His audition really embodied Tony. Outwardly masculine with a sensitive underlay. Unlike Kurt, who went for preening diva with his solo. It helped quite a bit that Blaine chose a song sung by a male, and a song from the musical itself, while Kurt went off in his own random direction.



So I was whelmed by this episode. Bringing Shelby and Beth back into the mix was nice, and wow Quinn is seriously unhinged if she thinks she can get Beth back by faking her way through everything. And what happens when you do get Beth back, Quinn? You go back to your self-destructive ways and your daughter watches you fall to pieces? You think that’s a good idea for Beth?

I have opinions when it comes to raising children, okay. I mean, for the most part if it works and the kids are happy, fine. But if you’re going to do something stupid like get a child for your own selfish wants, that pisses me the fuck off. I cut Quinn so much slack and reasoned through her actions and forgave her over and over for everything she did the past two seasons, but if she doesn’t wisen up and cut this crap she will shoot to Undesirable Number One in my book.



I suppose I should feel bad for Kurt not being able to be himself in things. But, um………

THAT’S HOW SHOWBUSINESS IS.

Forgive me for not feeling sympathy for an actor getting upset over realizing…the life of an actor. He gets his roles limited because of his voice. Okay. Plenty of actors get their roles limited because of their skin color. Or their height. Or their body type. Or the fact that they don’t know the right people. Or…the list goes on. It’s part of the job. Deal with it.



And yeah, I’d vote for Brittany over Kurt for president. Brittany is kinder and more willing to listen and doesn’t get caught up in her own head and ego. Unlike Kurt.



And, uh…that’s about it. That’s all I can think of. This episode was pretty meh for me.

That’s two episodes in a row. They’ve done a good job so far of dealing with fan outcries (Beth, Kurt being a Special Snowflake, Quinn and Mercedes, Quinn and Puck, did I mention Beth?), but what they haven’t done is make anything really compelling. I’m still not really hooked into the show, like, wow, I wanna watch this and see what happens next? I’m just kind of shrugging my way along, vaguely hoping that the next episode will carry some sort of wow factor.

Oh, well. We’ll see what happens next week.


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