Nice Jewelry And A Boy's Corpse

Oh, You're So Pretty

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You bet your sweet bippy!
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Glee 303: Asian F



What’s this? Mike Chang gets an episode about himself? What ho! Brilliant!

I assume this means approximately five minutes of the episode will be about him, and the rest will be about Rachel and Kurt and Quinn and possibly Finn. Oh well.





Wait, why was Santana in the Booty Camp montage? I thought she got kicked out of the Glee Club.

Oh, she reswore her allegiance to the Glee Club without telling Sue. How convenient. And there’s no way this won’t blow up in everyone’s face later.



As an aside, now that I know why Quinn is back it’s sad to see her doing everything with such a bright little smile that is so, so very fake. Girl is loco right now, but I can’t help but feel so sad for her.



Mercedes is late for rehearsal, and then gets sick?

IS SHE PREGGO?

I kid. If Glee rehashed a pregnant teenager storyline, that would just be lame.



Emma has wedding magazines, but doesn’t want Schue to meet her parents? Hmmmm.



Emma: “I spoke to their ghosts last night. I have ghost parents.”



Meanwhile, Mike Chang Sr. and Jr. are meeting with Principal Figgins.



Mike Chang Sr.: “My grandmother in China knew three English phrases: ‘Coca-Cola,’ ‘Kiss my grits,’ and ‘Harvard University.’”



Lol, Mike Chang got an A- on his Chem test. Which is an Asian F. LOL.



LOL AND VAMPIRE TINA MAKES A COMEBACK!

Tina: “Excuse me from gym all year or I’ll drink your spicy curry blood!”

Ahahaha I love Vampire Tina.



Anyway, Mike promises to do better in class from the terribly disappointing A- he got on a Chem test, including working with a Chem tutor, so that Mike Sr. doesn’t pull him out of Glee Club.



Beiste: “I kicked a fire hydrant when I found out Ace of Cakes was cancelled. Hence the crutches.”

So did I. Okay, I didn’t, but same deal. I miss Geoff and his deadpan snark so much.



Beiste: “Watch yourselves. That includes your Bat Caves and your bramble patches.”

I just love Beiste’s quotes.

FINN YOUR FACE.



Azimio: “My dad didn’t raise me to be no damn ballerina. In fact, my dad didn’t even raise me!”



And Beiste makes the entire football team dance in West Side Story, citing football motives – and Dancing With The Stars – as reasons. This is why I love Beiste.



Meanwhile, in the cafeteria, Mercedes’s boyfriend gets all up in a tizzy over her hugging her archrival Rachel.

Oh. His name’s Shay. Okay. Yeah, I’m just gonna call him Mustache Boy.



GOOD GOD, IT IS PAINFUL TO WATCH THESE TWO TRY TO ACT AT EACH OTHER.

Like, Amber Riley has always been low on my Glee Acting Talent rankings, but it’s like these two put together bring out the worst in each other. Their scenes are just cringe-worthy.



Mustache Boy: “You think Wonder Woman hugs the cheetah before the Amazonian smackdown?”

Okay, that was a good one. And it was very sweet of Mustache Boy to so fully believe in her and encourage her to believe in her own self-worth. Don’t get me wrong, Mercedes has lots of confidence and knows that she’s talented. But no one else really confirms that to her.



Er, I don’t think you should bring backup singers to a vocal audition. But that’s just me.



Anyway, Mercedes and Mustache Boy hug and stuff over a successful audition, and Rachel gets all upset or threatened or something from the wings.



Mike: “I got an A-, Tina.”

Tina: “You got an Asian F?”



So Mike was gonna audition for West Side Story, but now he’s all pressured and shit so he’s not going to.

So I take it we’ll be seeing his audition by the end of the episode.



Meanwhile, Brittany is on the campaign trail and fierce as shit!

She’s taking the Girl Power platform, I see.



And switches outfits in a nanosecond to lead a flashmob to “Run The World (Girls).”



But I don’t like that she’s singing a pro-girl song whilst wearing a skirt so short it doesn’t even cover her butt any time she’s not standing completely straight and still. Yes, I know, part of female empowerment is to not slut-shame and be fine with wearing whatever the hell a girl wants to wear, but I don’t know many girls who want to wear a skirt with their ass hanging out 98% of the time.



In other news, HeMo still loves to slap people’s butts.



And she teleports from the choir room to the gym floor! Girl’s got major superpowers! Nightcrawler, eat your heart out!



AND SHE DOES IT IN FIERCE-ASS HEELS. Yes, I know they’re boots, but they’re also friggin’ stilettos. Also I love the beautiful turnout these ladies are showcasing.

I like that they have some girls in regular clothes to add to the flash mob feel.



I also like that Santana and Quinn joined her in the dance. Unholy Trinity solidarity.



Oh, Tina and Mercedes are there, too. Girl solidarity, then.

And yes for putting Miss Jenna Ushkowitz in the front! Girl can bust a serious move. They downplay it so much.



Now, that’s a campaign. That’d inspire me to vote for her.

No, seriously. Fun presentation to catch your attention. If she follows up with a good debate, then she’s got it in the bag in my book.



The WSS directors can’t decide on a Maria, so they invite Mercedes and Rachel both to callbacks.



And Mercedes is on the competition prowl. Go Mercedes! I just can’t stand when Rachel lets her ego balloon all over the place right in front of people. It’s really annoying.



And Mike heads off to Chem tutoring at the Lima Bean!



…Or not. Instead he stops off in the dance studio for some angry frustrated freestyling.



And then his father appears in the mirror like Bloody Mary or some shit!



Mike Chang, Sr.: “What happens if you hurt yourself? You’re one injury away from having nothing.”

This is actually a very good point. Out of all the performing arts, I’d argue that dance is the most precarious because it depends on your physical state so much. But that’s the risks you run when you pursue it as a career.



Oh and then Tina gets her spectre on! To be all loving and inspiring and shit.

What’s next, the Ghost of Christmas Future?



Hahahaha, Mike you so silly. Why you hugging air, Mike?

No, but this was a really good scene. Showing his turmoil and inner conflict through his dancing rather than a monologue or breaking things, and coming to self-realization through that same thing. I really liked it.



Artie: “[Mike]’s never late. He runs like an expensive Swiss watch reproduced cheaply in China.”



Oh, Mike’s here for his solo! I kind of thought it would be at the end of the episode, but I suppose that’s where the choice for Maria will be.



So Harry Shum, Jr.’s voice is not that bad. Quite low because I doubt he can pull off any high notes or sustain notes at all, but it’s got a kind of breathy quality I like.



LOL FOR SUDDENLY EXTREMELY PROFESSIONAL FOOTBALL PLAYER DANCERS. START THINGS OFF SIMPLE WITH SOME CONSECUTIVE BARREL TURNS, NO BIGGIE.



AND THEN, YOU KNOW, AN ASSISTED CARTWHEEL OVER A PERSON WHILE THE BACK ROW (HEEEEEEY ISAAC) DOES MORE BARREL TURNS. EASY PEASY.



PARTNERING? MORE LIKE PUMPKIN PIE, MOTHAFUCKAS!



AND TOE LIFTS. EASIEST THING IN THE WORLD.



…Knee tours. I GIVE UP.

For the record, the guy in the green shirt has the best technique out of all three. But they’re all damn good.



Aww, Azimio, Puck, and Mustache Boy’s little bit was friggin’ adorable. Puck looked so damn happy.



I’d just like to point out how insanely fucking high their knees are going. They probably have bruises on their sternums, they’re that high.

Also, shout out to Isaac in the blue!



FAME! I’M GONNA LIVE FOREVER!! Oh wait, wrong musical.



So at first I was like, hey, back row bro on the far left is showing some good technique for being an actor! And then I realized he was not one of the characters, but a professional dancer. Okay.

Strangely enough, Azimio seems to have the best technique here. Mark, honey, you need to learn to center yourself. You’re just letting your hips and shoulders go any which way in the name of enthusiasm.



WE GET IT. Y’ALL CAN PULL SOME SERIOUS AIR IN YOUR BARREL TURNS. NOW YOU’RE JUST SHOWING OFF.

(By all means, keep showing off.)



And ‘Dorable Little Drummer Boy’s all like, “Daaaaaamn, that shit was hot!” And Cute&Happy Bass Player’s all like, “Yes, you are – I mean, uh, what?”



Mike Chang, you done good.



Beiste! You changed from chicken to pasta!

Ah, carbo-loading to keep your strength up. I see. And I love the watermelon-shaped bowl.



Beiste suggests to Schue that he introduce himself to Emma’s parents.

Beiste: “You’re everything a future in-law could ask for!”

Schue: “You really think so?”

Beiste: “You bet your sweet bippy!”

I smell impending disaster. Bruhaha.



Kurt, meanwhile, seems to be totally okay with losing out on Tony to Blaine – most excellent growth, Mr. Hummel! – and gifts his boyfriend with a bouquet of flowers in the middle of the hall in the middle of the day.

Kurt: “These are to celebrate. You.”



And teeny-tiny little blip of a misstep right here where Blaine would have gone in for a little kiss.



And if one of them were a girl, they totally could have and no one would have batted an eye.

See, this is how you keep the issue present without blaring it from a megaphone hooked up to announcement system whilst danging a sign from a fifty-foot blimp. Subtlety. It is often much more effective than whacking us in the face with a sledgehammer. Props must be given to Darren Criss for pulling off that subtlety without letting it go unnoticed.



Booty Camp time again!



Ooh Diana Agron, don’t think I didn’t see that gorgeous double inside pirouette over there! Lovely spotting. They rank Quinn as some below-average dancer, but Diana has had jazz training at the very least.

And lol for Kurt and his awful ballet arms.

And double lol for Brittany and the laziest stretching ever.



Schue: “C’mon, Finn, you can do it!”

Puck: “No, you can’t!”

Finn: “Oh, yeah?”

Puck: “Yeah!”

Oh, Puck.



And Mercedes gets her attitude on during Booty Camp when she’s the last one to not get a move down.

Gurl.

No, seriously. You can get mad at your instructor and voice your complaints, but you need to show your teachers respect. No matter how bad of a teacher they may be.



And we transpose into Dreamgirls? I could get used to this style of presenting conflict through musical number fantasy-style instead of so-so acting scenes.



Naya Rivera was brilliant in her part, as always.



Chris Colfer slayed his part. You hit those high notes, bro.



Mark Salling, I miss hearing you sing!



Harry Shum, Jr., I like this new singing you! I hope this bodes at more things to come.



And I guess, um, Mercedes quit the Glee Club? Or Schue kicked her out? The point is, for the time being she’s gone.



And Mike admits his dreams of dancing as a career to his mom. And his mom accepts it and encourages him in the shortest parenting speech ever.

Seriously, it was almost laughable compared to the great speeches Bert has.



Okay, but him dancing with his mom to share their love of dancing was quite sweet.



Anyway, time for the Rachel/Mercedes Diva-Off!

Lol, who is that poor ostracized football player all off on his own? Poor guy, makes me wanna give him a hug and a cookie or something.



Them waiting in the wings with their respective boyfriends was pretty cute.



Boyfriend pep talks! How adorable!



Lol for Puck getting all excited at Quinn and Quinn being all, “Bitch get out of my face.”



Lol for Finn’s little “YES!” when Rachel won the coin toss!



Oh good, they’re doing the song all “Defying Gravity” style, cutting back and forth between the two.

Both Lea Michele and Amber Riley are sounding great. I’d say Lea’s showing more vocal control, but I felt more emotion and character from Amber.



When Rachel closes her eyes, it feels rehearsed and contrived.



When Mercedes closes her eyes, it feels like it’s part of the song.

Basically, Mercedes seemed more genuine in her performance.



Rachel: “She was better than me.”



And she storms off into Beiste’s office to talk about…something dramatic, I’m sure.



Time for dinner with Schue and Emma and the Pillsburies!



LOL THEY ARE GINGER SUPREMACISTS!



Oh, no more lols. That’s actually pretty terrifying.



And Schue calls them out on being assholes to their child and assholes in general.



The ginger thing is funny, but yes it’s a thinly-veiled dig at actual racists and parents who belittle their children. And people who belittle those with OCD. But if this were the old Glee, the parents would have probably been Aryan Nation or something to make sure the audience didn’t miss it at all.



Ohhhhh, so Rachel went to Beiste to campaign for class president against Kurt! And Brittany, too.



Normally I’d say whatever, that’s show business; but considering she’d already pledged her allegiance and voting to Kurt, that’s some shady dealing.



And finally, we learn who got the part of Maria!



Beiste: “This was one of the hardest decisions of my life, and that includes when I had to sell one of my prize donkeys to pay my gas bill. I sold Kim, but I kept Khloe.”



And…it’s a double cast!

My high school always did double casts. I think they work better in a school setting because it gives more people roles so more people feel involved, plus if someone gets sick or can’t make the show that night there’s someone ready to step in. Yes, I know, there are understudies for that in the real world, but this is high school and the pools are bigger and you don’t want to lock out kids because you’ll need them for club longevity.



…And Rachel assumes that Mercedes gets the matinees and she gets the evening performances. THIS IS WHY I DON’T LIKE YOU, RACHEL.



And Mercedes pitches a diva fit over being double cast as Maria while no other parts were double cast.

Okay, that is a valid complaint. If you’re going to double cast one, double cast them all. Or at least double cast both leads. Something other than blatant we-can’t-decide-so-let’s-make-like-Oprah-and-give-prizes-to-everyone!-You-get-a-Maria,-you-get-a-Maria,-everyone-gets-a-Maria!!

Also:



Mercedes: “Tell me you were better than me.”

Even Rachel herself can’t say with confidence that she deserved the role over Mercedes. And Rachel is not one to to be humble when she believes she is better.



Artie: “Mercedes, don’t make this a stupid pride thing.”

Mercedes: “Oh, it’s a pride thing. But it’s not stupid.”

Anyway, so Mercedes turns down the role.

So Rachel gets the part.



And she’s still going to run for class president.



And both Kurt and Rachel have asked Finn who he’s going to vote for, and he says he doesn’t know.



And Rachel acts all hurt and shit.

WHY? Choosing between your step-brother and your girlfriend is pretty hard, okay? I don’t blame Finn for having a dilemma! I’d be torn too if I were in his shoes! Pull your head out of your ass, Rachel!



And Emma’s OCD has gotten worse because of her parents’ visit.



Emma: “When I need help, I know God hears me better on my knees. Something about the acoustics of the linoleum or something.”



So Schue kneels down and tries praying along with Emma.



Oh, seriously? “Fix You?” I mean, I love this song and it’s appropriate for the moment, but, like, she’s praying, bro. Maybe sing to her after she’s done praying?

Also, Matthew Morrison has a lovely voice but I would have liked it a bit lower for this song. It’s a bit too high for my liking.



Oh, wait, nevermind, I get it, it’s an in-the-head singing thing. Gotcha.

I still thing he’s singing a little too high for his own voice, though.



Lol for using Kevin McHale as backing vocals and placing it with Artie putting up the WSS cast list.



No, actually, it was kind of genius. Kevin is the only suitable vocal counterpart to Matt for that song, and I doubt they had the episode in mind when they were recording, but this was a great way to tie things in visually.



Yay Mike got cast as Riff! And Santana is Anita!



Santana as Anita is seriously perfect. As is Mike as Riff.



Blaine as Tony is alright. If Finn had more vocal and dance chops I’d say he would have fit it better.

Quinn, why are you lurking in the background?



Oh, Puck’s there too. I guess it’s just a lurk party back there.



Lol for Rachel having a serious moment with Brittana having a giggle fit in the background.



And then she gets upstaged again by background Quick!



What, is this a “Keep Holding On” redux or something?



With all the white and stuff?



It’s just, the white is a bit too dramatic for my taste.



Yes, the song is dramatic as hell, but come on. I’m surprised they didn’t bring in a wind machine and dry ice and plant angel wings on some of the kids.



And Mercedes joins Shelby’s show choir.

What, so is every episode here on out going to be different members of the club playing Glee Musical Chairs or something? So far we’ve started without Quinn, had Santana kicked out and Quinn rejoin, and had Santana rejoin and Mercedes quit. Are the numbers going to settle down now, please? I haven’t been counting so I don’t know if they’re at the magic 12 count, but I’m just over people popping in and out of the club.



So this was my favorite episode of the season so far. I liked Mike getting a feature for once, and hopefully they’re going to give him more and more little vocal solos. I like that Mercedes got featured, and she's come a long way from usually being deep in Caricature Land. She's not quite there yet as her own person, but this was a vast improvement. Rachel dove back down into Unbearable Character with this episode by ostracizing her two closest allies, Kurt and Mercedes (although the latter was more on Mercedes’s part than Rachel’s), which I didn’t like. And Finn is still playing the background fiddle. I suppose his character arc will erupt soon enough, as long as it isn't more relationship waaaaangst.

Oh, and I’m glad to see the return of the Suddenly Professional Football Player Dancers. I genuinely enjoy whenever they crop up. Mark Salling and the boys who play Azimio and Moustache Boyfriend better haul ass to keep up. Or just stay out of those dances. I’m totally fine with that.

Oh, speaking of football players. Where was Karofsky in all of this?


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Sorry about the late reply! WSS, if you didn't know, is a modern retelling of Romeo & Juliet. It's been a while since I've seen WSS, but if I remember correctly, Officer Krupke is a small acting role and doesn't have any singing (or if it does, it has very little), and he's mostly there as a police officer attempting to keep the peace between the Sharks (Capulets) and Jets (Montagues), like a more humorous version of The Prince from R&J. So it's a very large step down from Tony, but I can also see why they wouldn't have cast him as Bernardo (Tybalt), who's the next biggest male role after Tony (Romeo) and Riff (Mercutio) but also even more masculine than the aforementioned males. If Glee decides to actually cast the entirety of WSS I imagine Bernardo will go to Puck or a new character we haven't met yet.

Kevin McHale's voice has a distinct flavor that I've gotten used to recognizing, so that's how I heard it in "Fix You." Also he's their go-to voice guy, any time they need some sort of supplementary vocals or vocal runs, because he's the best male singer out of the kids. The only time that changed was when Jonathan Groff was briefly on the show.

Ha, you're right! Kurt totally vanished in Booty Camp 2! That's hilarious! And then he magically reappears for the Dreamgirls number. Oh, Glee.

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